SAFE AT LAST

My father never could solve the Gordian Knot of sex, but in the attempt to understand, he bought all the newest books as they came out.  He didn't start with Kinsey, but with Van de Velde. (1930) in the days when condoms had to be bought by mail and came in plain brown paper wrappers.  As you can see by the title, it was about marriage.  More than that, it was a good book for kids barely old enough to be interested, because it emphasized safety: low lights, soft music, beautiful bed, trustworthy behavior

Kinsey was the one (1948) who published two interview-based books, obeying the binary of male and female separated.  These books addressed the really dangerous categories: pedophilia and homosexuality.  They have been a major social preoccupation ever since, sometimes considered lethal.  My father also bought the books containing the fearless assessments of Masters and Johnson.  By seminary I was able to attend a workshop they presented in Chicago.  They paid close attention to the physiological rather than the moral.  But few had much idea what to do with the information. 

The more recent research on human emotion is quite different but deeply related, because it relates to safety, this time in terms of Stephen Porges' exploration of the polyvagal theory.  He works through  the Traumatic Stress Research Consortium, which is sheltered under the umbrella of the Kinsey Institute, now rendered respectable and even powerful by time and culture change.  Person-to-person interaction of all kinds are considered, but those that are healing and reassuring are the goal.

The takeaways of these studies, which have more contributors than just Porges, I will list below.  They include sexual interactions but are not based on them.  Following are quotes:

• ★polyvagal theory . . .  describes how visceral experiences affect the nervous system and our resulting behaviour.

With mammals, you have what I call a social engagement system, which can detect features of safety and actually communicate them to another.

What the survivors of trauma described was this inability to move, the numbness of the body and functionally disappearing.

The theory had traction because it gave survivors feelings of validation.

Aces is a scale that accumulates exposure to adverse experiences, such as abuse, neglect and family dysfunction.

Research confirmed that higher Ace scores (exposure to a greater number of adverse experiences) were related to longevity and virtually every major medical disorder including heart disease, stroke, Alzheimer’s, cancer and diabetes. More recent evaluations have linked Aces to increased risk for suicide, addiction and psychiatric disorders ranging from attention deficit disorder to psychoses.

Much of our society defines trauma by the event when the real critical issue is the individual’s reaction.

And by just looking at Aces, we’re missing many individuals who are having adverse reactions to events that we may think of as being relatively minor. For example, we see the overlap between medical procedures that are not welcomed, like emergency surgery, and the consequences of rape. You’re dealing with similar parts of the body and the body can see both cases as an unwelcome intrusion. Now the Aces model wouldn’t pick up the surgery, but Aces is still a very important and powerful first step.

So the first thing is to understand how bodies respond to context.

When we become a polyvagal-informed society, we’re functionally capable of listening to and witnessing other people’s experiences, we don’t evaluate them. Listening is part of co-regulation: we become connected to others and this is what I call our biological imperative. 

More than these quotes, Porges suggests that this polyvagal ability is the evolving edge that made humans able to develop language and concepts, to work together and to create our modern technology.  It creates the "frame of expression" defined by the third vagal nerve from the hairline to the collarbone, an area capable of exquisitely refined emotional conveyance.  It responds to the same features as a lie detector: breath, heart beat, perspiration, tension, and a dozen more.  Living video closeups.  Also, it is the mechanism for intelligibility of language, making "yerf, muk iip efflehuck" into "yes, it's not the same thing."

This is often relevant to church congregations, which should be conveying a feeling of safety in a group that is accepting.  "If there’s exuberance coming from the upper part of a person’s face, and their voice has intonation modulation or what’s called prosody, we become attracted to the person. We like to talk to them – it’s part of our co-regulation."  Thus the key to being a good minister.  Someone who really listens and then is able to use speaking to the group as a way of conveying meaning to them.  A congregation is commonly defined by socio-economics -- everyone being in approximately the same culture -- unless there is a powerful message welcome and expressed.  In times of transition or confusion, this can go missing and the congregation shrinks.

Family also used to be a source of this exchange from the first creation of the frame of expression taught by the mother to the child.  Gradually it creates the liminal space that can be sacred and the source of enduring attachment. Porges suggests that "when we become polyvagal-informed, we start understanding not only the other person’s response but also our responsibility to smile and have inflection in our voice, to help the person we’re talking to help their body feel safe."  That's what the passing of the peace in the pews is really about.

Attachment through the creation of rapport using the frame of expression is the means of supporting and sustaining people at risk. That's too jargony, but I wish I'd known it decades ago.  It's a place to start with the most damaged boys, who persist and help each other.